50 Hilarious Quotes That Will Amuse You

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50 Best Hilarious Quotes

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1. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” – Mitch Hedberg 

2. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George Burns 

3. “Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?” – Shelley Darlingson 

4. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” – Ellen DeGeneres 

5. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.” – Anonymous 

6. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield 

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7. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.” – Merkin  

8. “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” – Steven Wright 

9. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” – Joan Rivers 

10. “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.’ – Lt. Frank Drebin 

11. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” – Jimmy Kimmel 

12. “Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.” – Pete  

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13. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.” – David Letterman 

14. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” – Mark Twain 

15. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner 

16. “Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.” – Phil Connors 

17. “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.” – Jerry  

18. “I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.” – Sheldon Cooper  

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19. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” – Jack Handey 

20. “I never forget a face-but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx 

21. “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!” – Wanda 

22. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott  

23. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” – Les Dawson 

24.“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” – Mindy Kaling 

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25. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner 

26. “My mother always used to say The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” – Rose 

27. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet  to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell 

28. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’” – Anonymous 

29. “There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.” – Elise 

30. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin 

See also:

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31. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” – Erma Bombeck 

32. “Woke up today. It was terrible.” – Grumpy Cat 

33. “Why yes, I can carry on a conversation made up entirely of movie quotes.”  – Anonymous 

34. “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall 

35. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” – Noel Coward 

36. “Trying is the first step toward failure.” – Homer Simpson 

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37. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller 

38. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams 

39. “The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.” – Anonymous 

40. “Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.” – Mortimer Brewster 

41. “Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.” – Frank Semyon 

42. “There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.” – Surgeon 

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43. “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” – Ellen DeGeneres 

44. “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” – Anonymous 

45. “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.” – Bobby Boucher 

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46. “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.” – Clairee Belcher 

47. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.” – Mark Twain 

48. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis 

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49. “I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.” – Anonymous 

50. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.” – Mark Twain 

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See also:

Moving On Quotes | Meditation Quotes | Uplifting Quotes | Self Love Quotes | Hard Times Quotes | Disappointment Quotes | Determination Quotes | Tough Times Quotes

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