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50 Best Funny Quotes

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1. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” Abraham Lincoln

2. “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln

3. “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” Abraham Lincoln

4. “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

5. “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” – Andy Rooney

6. “If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” Ann Landers

7. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

8. “My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” Ashleigh Brilliant

9. “To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.” Ashleigh Brilliant

10. “Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.” – Benjamin Franklin

11. “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” Benjamin Franklin

12. “Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” – Benny Hill

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13. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes

14. “Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.” Bertrand Russell

15. “The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.” – Bertrand Russell

16. “Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.” Betty White

17. “Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.” Bill Maher

18. “If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.” Bill Vaughan

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19. “Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” Albert Camus

20. “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson

21. “Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!” Billy Connolly

22. “I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.” Billy Connolly

23. “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” Billy Sunday

24. “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” Billy Wilder

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25. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein

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26. “Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.” Bob Thaves

27. “We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” Bryan White

28. “As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” Buddy Hackett

29. “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” Caroline Rhea

30. “All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel

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31. “All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” Alexander Woollcott

32. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” Charles Lamb

33. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” Charles M. Schulz

34. “By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” Charles Wadsworth

35. “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” Charlie Chaplin

36. “Political correctness is tyranny with manners.” Charlton Heston

37. “War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” Ambrose Bierce

38. “If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.” Chuck Palahniuk

39. “When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.” Clarence Darrow

40. “A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’” – Claude Pepper

41. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne

42. “I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” – Arthur C. Clarke

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43. “It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” Andy Borowitz

44. “Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.” Bill Vaughan

45. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” Bob Hope

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46. “At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” Ann Landers

47. “High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.” Christopher Morley

48. “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” Bernard Baruch

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49. “Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.” – Anton Chekhov

50. “He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” Charles de Gaulle

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